Stupidity, Foolishness, Dumbness, Wackiness... one can give n-number of synonyms to what I did that day; the day when I dealt with most number of funny situations on a trot. It’s just a coincidence that I share the title of this post with a famous 16th century play by Shakespeare, but my post doesn’t have an iota of relation with the plot. Neither I have a twin brother (I am myself capable of doing twice the wackiness of what an average human being can do) nor there a case of mistaken identity. This post is a tribute to all those fools in the world who with their dumbness give us some funny moments to laugh upon. While writing this, one man is surely at the top of my mind and that’s late actor Peter Sellers aka Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau of the Pink Panther series. I don’t know whether I matched his wittiness while dealing with the situations, but one thing is sure, had some spy camera recorded my action I would have easily won the 81st Oscars for “Best Live Action Short Film”. (Afterall it’s the Slumdog era and every body wants to get associated with that 3.85 kg golden statuette)
Enough of bragging about me, now straight to the point. It was 9th Nov 2008, and it seemed that the entire Delhi was running in the Airtel Delhi Half Marathon. The day started of well and I reached the pick-up point for the runners on time. Many of my friends also joined me there and we all headed towards Nehru Park, our starting point. At 7’O clock we started our marathon run, both Kareena and Saif were cheering me at the starting point (Actually they were cheering the crowd and I was part of it, so I can have that margin of error). The first few kilometers were pretty good and we were enjoying the run of our life (With all those pretty Delhi Girls running behind me why shouldn’t I enjoy). Don’t get surprised; as I was running ahead of them, sadly I didn’t have a rear view mirror built in my eyes. One kilometer gone; then two; then three; with each passing kilometer I was more charged up than before. That charge was very shot lived when few kilometers down the line we started taking glucose and water. By the time we crossed the eleventh kilometer mark we all decided to walk off the remaining distance. Somehow we managed to complete the 21 KM long race in 3 Hrs 25 Min. It was a decent effort considering that never in my life I ran more than 2 KMs at a stretch. We all had a sumptuous breakfast at the venue courtesy sponsors and collected our certificates and medallions. I still cherish that piece of metal as if I have won that in Olympics. Most of you might be wondering about the climax of the story but “Picture Abhi Baaki Hai Mere Dost”.
The thrilling part started after that. I was hardly able to walk and when we came out of the venue, the first calamity struck; there was neither any shuttle service to go back to the assembly point nor any public conveyance. We had to cover another tiring kilometer to find any transport. Suddenly a glimmer of hope, I saw an auto standing in front of a building. I got charged up and pounded on the auto as if I am hungry crocodile who has found a prey after months. With some cajoling the driver agreed to drop us at Bikaji Cama Place. We reached there and I took off my luggage from my friend’s car, we had hi fives all around and I slowly crawled towards the parking lot. The moment I reached there and searched for the keys I was shell shocked, second calamity struck!!!
My mind refused to do a location search on where I left the keys, my legs were already trembling and I was unable to extract information from the neurons. After some five odd minutes, I recollected that I have left the keys on the dashboard of my friend’s car. I immediately called him, but he didn’t picked up, I was getting worried because with each passing second the distance between us was increasing (Greater the distance, more the time taken by him to come back, and I was not in a position to wait even for a minute in that condition). I immediately called another friend who luckily picked my call I explained him the situation. In the midst of the conversation I heard a beep. Calamity number three I saw low battery message on my mobile screen. I quickly instructed him to ask that friend to stop to the nearest location possible after that my mobile got switched off.
I was standing all alone in front of a deserted Bikaji Cama Place on a Sunday afternoon. Carrying two bags on my shoulder with a switched off mobile, no bike keys and no energy to walk even an inch, I looked up and asked the God why me, that to on a Sunday. After some time I realized that God is in a holiday mood and is not interested in helping me, so I took the best measure of self help. I searched for a PCO but couldn’t find any, after some effort I found one in a filthy corner. To my utter disappointment there was only a board hanging there with nothing inside, just two dogs making love with each other, so I left them in their privacy and moved on to find some solution. Suddenly an idea clicked, I took out my cell and showed it to every pedestrian passing by explaining my situation and asking for help (I was looking like a sales man carrying a bag and selling socks and hankies). My ten odd efforts were in vain, with everybody replying they don’t have a mobile. I was pondering on the huge potential in the mobile market and thought of setting up a handset manufacturing unit. Quickly I pulled back myself from my dreams. Somehow a nice man agreed to lend his phone on the condition that I will use my SIM as he didn’t have balance. I called my friend and instructed him to take a left from Dhaulakuan and wait for me there. I thanked that gentleman and moved on to search for an auto; the man gave me a grumpy look as if I have bombs in my bag and was planning to plant them.
Getting an auto ready to go according to the tariff meter in Delhi is even more difficult than spotting a Tiger at Jim Corbett. Firstly they won’t apply brakes fully and will negotiate with you on the move; the moment you say “Meter Se Chalna Hai” they will run away, blowing a cloud of dust and smoke on your face. After several failed attempts I thought if God is making fun of me today why not I also start enjoying that. So, I went to an auto driver and asked him if he was ready to go to Dhaulakuan according to the meter, he refused and then I started my game. I refreshed all the best plays I have ever done during my college fests and started pretending as if I am a newspaper reporter (My Times Group Press Card was with me to support my cause). I called my cameraman (with that switched off mobile) and instructed him to come as I was about to do a sting operation. I also noted down his number and threatened him canceling his license. A complete turnaround, he immediately came out apologized and I headed towards Dhaulakuan. After I reached there I found no traces of my friend, and I again started a PCO hunt. Thankfully this time I got one quickly, I called my friend and asked him about his co-ordinates as he was suppose to meet me there at Dhaulakuan. After some 5-6 calls I got to know that he has already crossed that point and was 4-5 KMs down the rendezvous point. I was cursing all the automobile manufacturers for not pre installing satellite navigation, but that’s a dream which will take at least 5 years in India.
I started my auto hunt again but this time no luck with that same bluff. It’s not that the auto drivers caught me but the two auto drivers on whom I tried the same formula literally ran away fearing their license might be seized. Finally I got a Sardarji, he displayed the true trait of a Sardar and dropped me where my friends were waiting. When I reached there I saw all of them sleeping, I knocked the window. When they saw me, their faces were like as if they were awarded heaven on the Armageddon day. I thanked them, quickly took the keys and rushed back in the same auto. I went to the parking lot hurriedly tied my luggage and moved towards the exit. Calamity number four, the guard stopped me and said, “Sahab Parchi”. I shouted at the top of my voice “Not Again” but it was only him who could hear those words. By that time things were already on my nerves and I was not in a mood to do acting anymore. I was so tired that I desperately need a bed at that time to sleep. I stopped in front of the guard, gave a devilish look and said “I am stealing this bike do whatever you want”. The guard was taken aback, he couldn’t react to the situation and by the time he reacted and started running after me I already touched the ring road.
On my way back to Gurgaon, I looked at the twilight on the other side of the highway and gave a sleepy smile to that eventful day which was full of Comedies and Errors. In a single day I played so many different roles, first “A Marathon Runner”, then “A Salesman”, then “A Newspaper Reporter” and finally “A Thief”. I thanked God for the funny Sunday He gave me. In a single day I got a chance to live life of four different characters. Some of you might term it as height of optimism, but I see it as “Living Life The Funnier Way”
SR
